From Anesthetic to Antidepressant: How Ketamine Led to My Mental Health Breakthrough

The History of Ketamine

Ketamine therapy is a controversial topic that is likely to raise eyebrows. And, given its history of illicit street use, it makes sense. Although it can be frustrating when I’m discussing my success with it only to be met with the idea that I am simply using an illegal substance to alleviate my symptoms. However, ketamine is changing the mental health scene in ways we always thought unimaginable. Its growing popularity is making it so it’s much more common to know someone who knows someone who has tried ketamine therapy.

So, what’s it all about?

Synthesization

Ketamine was first synthesized as an anesthetic in the ‘60s. It was later approved for medical use in the ‘70s and used on American troops in the Vietnam war. It was around this time that illicit use began. This drug use increased in severity over the years until it was ultimately made a federally controlled substance in 1999. This effort did successfully minimize the use, but the popularity of morphine also likely contributed.

Mental Health Studies

In the early 2000s, medical professionals started to notice the positive effect ketamine had on depression. Studies were subsequently conducted until it was determined that ketamine was a practical treatment option. It was originally meant to be used for depression, but doctors started using it to treat more and more mental health disorders. The most surprising effect that ketamine has had, though, is on treatment-resistant individuals.

Treatment-resistant individuals are the ones who have tried everything to treat their depression. They have a laundry list of medications they have tried to no avail. They’ve tried yoga, exercise, sleep hygiene, meditation, and anything else that may have been suggested to them over the years, yet nothing ever worked. Quite simply, they’ve given up. They’ve begrudgingly accepted that they will have to live with this illness the rest of their lives. This is where I found myself.

My Illness

All my life I’d been searching for the thing that would cure me. When it began around my freshman year in high school, I didn’t understand why I was plagued with such a devastating sadness while my peers appeared to be handling the struggles of adolescence much easier and with joy. This melancholy intensified over the years with peaks of apathy and valleys of dangerous ideation. But, like anything else in life, I got used to it.

Darkness had become completely interwoven into the fabric of who I was as a person, and the idea of one day healing and losing that was frightening. I was resigned to the absolute confidence in knowing that I would be the one responsible for my death eventually. I was at peace with it. Experiencing trauma at a young age has a way of warping your concept of normalcy.

It was a lonely and sad existence. But it was mine, and it was all I’d ever known. Ultimately, I went through a breakup that was so profoundly gut-wrenching that my major depressive disorder went off the rails. I’d managed to live through loss, grief, and trauma, yet this was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I was suddenly no longer able to regulate my emotions. I had always been sad, but now I’d fly wildly from utter despair to extreme anger and hostility. I’d fall into fits of sobbing. I had never struggled with keeping my composure up until then.

During this time, I tried several new medications. I was seeing a therapist and doing intensive work with her. Yet I was miserable. Ultimately, there came a time when I hadn’t slept in three nights. I went to urgent care, and they could do nothing for me. I scheduled an emergency appointment with my psychiatrist. She gave me something to help me sleep, and, for reasons I’m still unsure of, I took her up on the offer to try ketamine therapy.

She had suggested it nearly six months prior, but I had always been leery of the idea; not because it was a new treatment, but because I didn’t like the idea of being incapacitated mentally. Not being in control of my thoughts has always frightened me. But, for some reason, at that moment, I knew I was ready. My major depressive disorder had been wreaking havoc on my life, and now my physical health was also paying the price in substantial ways. We agreed to start it the following month.

It Was Time for a Change

I picked up the prescription at a local pharmacy that compounds its own medications. I looked inside the bottle and saw several white, waxy squares; each perforated into four sections. They smelled sweet and I immediately knew it was probably a dismal attempt at covering the taste.

I was terrified for my first appointment. Luckily, my mom was able to join me as my comfort person. I was instructed to wear comfortable clothes and bring a blanket. I would not be able to drive myself home. I would feel light and possibly euphoric, but my body would feel heavy. Time will slow down. The peak will last roughly 20 minutes, but I will still feel it for the rest of my two-hour session.

The psychiatrist comes into the dimly lit “ketamine room” and tells me that I will take one of the wax tabs and place it under my tongue as it is absorbed better there. I will let it slowly dissolve and accumulate in my mouth. When it is all melted, I can spit it out or swallow it. You get more effects if you swallow it because it is absorbed for a second time through the stomach.

It tasted bitter and acrid, yet sweet. The flavor was supposed to be marshmallow and I’ll never understand why they landed on that. I was painfully aware of how slowly it dissolved until I was finally able to swallow it. I didn’t go into a “k-hole” my first session, but I did the second time and every time after that. The feeling is surreal and terrifying at first. The wall stretched away from me until it appeared I was looking down a tunnel. The music I was listening to was overwhelming and I had to turn it off.

I had to call the psychiatrist in to assure me I was okay and this was normal. She held my hand and reminded me that this was only temporary. I’d forget what happened just instances after they happened. My mind was a thick marsh I was trying to wade through to find coherent thoughts. They’d jumble and spill out of my mouth, and I was horrified at the way I must look.

Eventually, I feared these sessions less and less. The changes started very slowly. My first shift at work (I was bartending at a very chaotic club) I noticed that I wasn’t as quick to irritation as usual. I had always been terrible at “going with the flow” but I noticed that things were just sliding off my back without a second thought.

A week or two later, I was taken aback at the realization that I wasn’t feeling depressed. I wasn’t happy, either, but the absence of sadness was recognizable and a huge milestone. Towards the end of my first month, I felt a deep sense of belonging and connectedness that I’d never felt. I began to feel empathy in a deeper sense than I’d ever experienced and spent a lot of time in awe of the average things surrounding me that suddenly struck me as beautiful.

I felt a deep sense of appreciation for the person I’d had to become out of depression and trauma and found it beautiful that I was able to cope and remain resilient in the face of so much adversity. I felt love and compassion for people in my life and yearned to be a source of kindness in their worlds. People started commenting on changes to not only my behavior but my appearance. I was smiling and laughing more than they’d ever seen of me. I had a light air about me instead of the heavy, melancholic weight I’d always carried around.

It isn’t possible for me to articulate just how drastically ketamine has changed me. Whenever anyone asks me about it, I emphatically recommend it. Of course, life is still difficult and there are sad moments, but that’s the human experience. It no longer runs my life. Instead, I allow myself to feel it and learn from it and find beauty in the ability to feel things so deeply. I honestly can’t remember what it was like to live in such misery, and I am full of hope.  

So, if you are reading this because you are considering ketamine therapy, I hope my perspective helps you in some way. Because life is so beautiful, and I want you to finally be able to see it, too.